Dear Santa: Christmas Fallout

Listen up Fat Boy:

Yeah, you got me. I did it all: sat on your lap, wrote you a letter, left you homemade cookies (HOMEMADE!! I don’t even bake!) and even farm fresh milk. Yeah, I sold out. I did it all so my Christmas wishes would come true.

Christmas morning, I ran down my stairs like a kid. I jetted to my laptop, powered it on, and…. What?! No, it couldn’t be! Not even one new review on Amazon.com. Santa, you had eight books to choose from and you couldn’t even get me one bloody review? So I started thinking, well, this is because I’m Jewish. Santa’s obviously a racist. Then I calmed myself down and checked the Amazon.com pages of my fellow Indie Authors. No new reviews for them either. Hmmm. Maybe Santa didn’t dislike Jews. Maybe he disliked Indie Authors.

That’s okay, I thought, but not really. My mind was too busy scheming my retaliation. I would win one for Indie Authors. Damn right I would.

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Dear Santa: My Indie Author Wish List

Dear Santa:

Photo Credit: EPS, Lowell, MA

Pay no attention to that menorah behind me. It’s nothing more than a fancy candelabra. Honest.

I’ve been a good girl. Hmmm. Can you be more specific as to the parameters you use to base your “naughty or nice” evaluation? I’m a little sketchy on that.

In any case, I’ve worked really hard this year. I managed to turn out 4 published titles, and all the marketing/publicity work that goes with them. That’s why I’ve finally given in to writing you this letter. I’m a little tired at this point. So I’m hoping you will be a stand-up kind of jolly dude and bring me what I want for Hanu…kuh…ristmas. Yeah, I meant Christmas. I noticed I’m developing a stutter…I think it’s all the stress.

To read the rest of my article, please go to IndiesUnlimited.com.

The Blurb Doctor Is In

In my last post, I grumbled about mistakes commonly made in book descriptions/synopses. If you missed that phenomenal piece of curmudgeonly brilliance, you can read it here. This week, I pony up and come through as promised – the Blurb Doctor is in. Trust me, this is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

Writing a book description or “book blurb” can be the most difficult part of the process for some authors. I don’t know why I have a knack for it. I also don’t know how some people have figured that out (before I came out of the closet with it just now) and have approached me to help them with theirs.

I tried to devise a formula that could be used by anyone for any book of any subject. Would you like to know how that went? Well, it looked something like this:

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Novel Ideas for Novel Contests

Novel Ideas for Novel Contests – or…what NOT to do when entering your manuscript in a novel-writing contest.

I’ve been a first-tier level judge for a prestigious novel-writing contest for about five years now. First-tier? Yeah, that means I’m important. Okay, maybe not. What it’s supposed to mean is that at least one someone else has already read through the entries and has sent me the very best of those. Now I get the final word. Or something like that. Sounds important, anyway.

You can imagine, I’m sure, that this gives me a lot of material for a writing advice column. Yet, each year, how MUCH material I get out of the contest surprises and somewhat distresses me. When I judge, I’m filling out a form containing four categories: 1. Plot/Story; 2. Narrative/Dialogue; 3. Characters/Descriptions; and 4.Overall Impression. This year, I believe, an additional category should be added: 5. Formatting.

To read the rest of my post, please visit IndiesUnlimited.com

Timing Is Everything: Facebook Tutorial

I discovered something interesting by accident last week. How many times have you said to yourself Damn, I wish I could schedule my Facebook updates so that they’d post at a later time? Well, guess what? Now you can – at least from your “page” anyway. (I’ve not seen a way to do it from my personal profile.)

So, go to your page, and start typing in an update to all your fans. You can even upload a photo – anything you want to schedule to post at a later date. The strange thing about this (if you haven’t already “set it up”) is that once you click the little clock in the bottom left-hand corner of your posting window, you go to another screen, and moving forward will blow away what you’ve written. Make sure to copy it before you do anything else. NOW, click on the little clock.

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Tutorial: Setting Up Your Empire

It was one of those things: a chance encounter filled with intrigue and temptation. He had intense, dark eyes with a powerful passion smoldering just below the surface. I was drawn to him. Next thing I knew, we were standing face-to-face, and he was saying things to me in French that made me swoon. Of course I kept my cool. I didn’t want Mr. Tall, Dark and Dangerous to know that he’d gotten under my skin.

Then, in his incredibly sexy Middle-Eastern accent, he said something to me. It was lyrical and captivating and it rhymed. “You’re the author K. S. Brooks. May I ask you a question about my books?”

“Of course,” I breathed, all sultry-like, seductively brushing my forefinger along my lower lip. Just between you and me, I was checking to make sure I hadn’t drooled on myself. Ha! My lip was dry. While he told me about his book, I imagined him riding across the desert on a fine Arab charger (thank you for that, Mick Jagger) and then when he said “I’m going to get an agent and a publisher,” I snapped back to reality. Then came the glare off his wedding ring, blinding me like a spotlight from a police car during a “routine” stop. Nice buzz-kill. Thanks a lot.

To read the rest of my post, please visit IndiesUnlimited.com

How to Lose a Novel Writing Contest

See, everyone reacts differently. Reading a really bad manuscript doesn’t make me want to cry. It makes me angry. No, I’m not kidding. I wish I were. This article could also be called “How to Make Me Stop Reading Your Entry” because clearly you didn’t take the time or make the effort to have someone else read what you wrote first. Among other things.

Honestly, NOT having someone else read your first chapter before submitting it ANYWHERE is clearly insane. That first chapter is your hook…that first chapter is going to dictate whether the reader keeps reading…and in my case, if the judge keeps judging. Yes, I’m back on the novel writing contest again. Hopefully, someone will gain some sort of insight from the awful, awful things I’ve seen. My eyes! (Cue music from Gone with the Wind.) Okay, I may be exaggerating just a little bit. My eyes don’t actually hurt, my brain does.

To read the rest of my post, please visit IndiesUnlimited.com.